I used to be in the camp of, “Ah, well, you are depressed? Fix your sleep schedule, eat better, exercise and get outdoors when the sun is out!”
No longer am I in that camp of thought.
While those things do help in various walks of life, when it comes to depression… it is a daily fight.
I haven’t been diagnosed nor have I went to go see a therapist, but for the last several months, at least since August or September, I have been different. Felt different.
I didn’t know what it was for the longest time. I didn’t realize I was depressed. I stopped wanting to workout, felt no enthusiasm about seeing my girlfriend, friends or family, and I have zero get-up-and-go. I don’t care about any of my hobbies or passions that I used to enjoy. I can’t sleep very well, so I don’t spend much time in bed, but all I truly want to do is lie and bed and do nothing else at all.
I thought it was seasonal depression or a vitamin deficiency… Nope…
The last couple of weeks, suicide has been on my brain heavily. I just took a trip with my girlfriend out of state to go visit her family. Had a good time, I guess, but as I lied down to go to bed at night while there, I read about suicide via hanging. I woke up the next day and felt a rush of pain thinking about it, but nonetheless the thought of being gone is comforting.
I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, but I feel so much emptiness and I don’t know why. It is not that I feel like I lack a purpose in life. I just feel empty and a wave of pain that is different from any mental/emotional pain I have ever felt before in my life, and I just want it to end.
The biggest thing that is stopping me is my 67-year-old mother. I am all she has. I feel selfish over these thoughts, because I know she wouldn’t have anybody if I were gone, and for her to lose a child in this manner would be more devastating than I can imagine. But the pain and emptiness is so extreme.
I feel that my girlfriend can do better. Deserves better. I fear that I could never give her the life she truly wants, anyhow (big house and a multitude of children). While the pain of losing me would hurt her in the interim, she has her entire life to live.
I would leave a note. Probably a lengthy one, because I’m a long-winded person.
I’m not going quietly. I’m fighting this. In silence, but I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to force myself to enjoy my hobbies/passions like I used to, but it is so hard. Forcing myself to workout has been the biggest obstacle. The weather during the end of this week — Thursday, Friday and Sunday — is supposed to be in the mid to late 70s. I’m hoping that being outside and in the sun will give me a pep in my step, but I don’t know.
I know I should talk to somebody, which is why I’m writing about this here. I can’t just talk about this to anybody close to me, because what the fuck do you say? “Hey, I’m extremely sad” doesn’t mean shit to anybody else other than a temporary feeling. “Hey, I’m thinking about killing myself” freaks everyone out (rightfully so).
I don’t know. I’m merely existing right now. I don’t know how else to put things into words at the moment.