How I Know That I *Want* To Be Successful

I’m 26 and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in this life. If you also wield this mindset, don’t be afraid to chime in.

Here’s the quick overview of my story if you don’t know: I graduated high school in 2009 and started attending community college that fall. My relationship with my first love began to deteriorate and I stopped attending all my classes except my 8am English class (I didn’t properly drop my classes). I never returned for the spring semester in 2010. My first love eventually cheated on me and I ‘wallowed in the mire’ (as Jim Morrison and The Doors would say) for years until I returned to the same community college in 2014 and finally took a 1.9 GPA to a 3.5.

I’m supposed to begin my time at a university next month.

I’m nervous as hell. Almost sick.

More than anything, I’m just waiting to hear back that my student status is all good and that everything is OK.

I’m scared.

It’s hard for me to accept that these feelings and emotions are normal.

I practically lived in a bubble between 2010-early 2014. I didn’t do jack shit. I tried my best to be comfortable. That was never a way to live. I was always depressed. I’m depressed right now, but that’s only because I’m scared, full of fear and I’m worried about my student status.

Still waiting on my immunization forms to ‘go through’. My advisor is taking her sweet ass time getting back to me about it.

Fuck, I’m nervous. Have I mentioned that?

Taking out loans in freaking me the fuck out, too.

One of my classes is going to be a once a week evening class for five weeks. I know it’s going to be long and rigorous. My only problem with that is, I’m a morning person now. I’d rather the class start at 6 or 7 in the morning rather than 6 in the evening. My most productive hours of the day are in the morning. By the evening, I’m exhausted, no matter what. This is going to be difficult.

But fuck, I know I can do it. I have to do it.

Last month, I had a fear that my student loan was not going to cover tuition, books, etc. etc. During that fear, I was sick to my stomach over the thought that I would never be able to do what it is that I want to do. That made me sick. It still makes me sick. The thought of not doing something great, that I want to do, makes me want to go puke.

That’s how I know I want to be successful. How I need to be successful.

Believe in yourself, inner drive, optimism, all that bullshit doesn’t matter without action. Belief + action is what drives the bus. Action without belief just makes you a zombie. Belief without action just makes you a mental masturbation participator.

I’m full of extreme anxiety at this time (no, it’s not the caffeine).

I want to be successful so badly it hurts.

After those years of doing nothing and fantasizing about my first love not screwing me over, I’m on a pretty decent path now. I cannot fail. I must put in the hours of work to accomplish what I deem necessary.

I was a terrible high school student from 2005-2009; never studied. My peers never did. I skirted by. I’ve been on the straight and narrow since 2014, when I went back to college. It’s night and day. I put pressure on myself from the get-go to study, to learn how to study and simply do what’s necessary. Of course, most of my fellow classmates have been folks straight out of high school, and many of them slacked off (not surprising) as I’m sure they had their parents paying their way, but I just wanted to put my head down, work hard and get through all the bullshit.

I don’t know why I’m so worried at the moment. I’ve been accepted as a student. I’ve accepted my loans. Now it’s just a waiting game. Tuition is due in one week and I’m not sure how the fuck to ‘pay’ for it with my loans. Again, still waiting for my advisor to return my emails.

Thanks for reading this big batch of incoherent word vomit, if you read it. I just had to put something down on ‘paper’.

Suicide? Selfish?

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide yesterday by hanging himself.

This death hit home for me, because I was a huge Linkin Park guy in the early to mid 2000s during my preteen and teen years. Hybryd Theory and Meteora were albums I listened to often. My best friend, who resembled Chester (skinny, glasses, buzz cut/nearly bald), and I would play Madden ’05 online with the Linkin Park/Jay-z collaboration “Numb/Encore” on repeat. Those were the days.

I used to think suicide was a selfish act. And, in a way, I still think that way, but not like I used to. If you tell a suicide person they are selfish for feeling suicidal, that only pushes them further to do so. Not a good mix.

The act of committing suicide is an unstable one. To want to do so, you are mentally unstable, because biologically we are programmed to take the path of survival.

I changed my views over the years, because over the past six or so years I secretly (in my real life) have suicidal thoughts on occasion. Nothing in particular triggers them. I’ve just gone through bouts of depression where I can’t pinpoint what I’m feeling. I think it’s possible to be depressed without knowing it. Recently in my life, I’ve felt almost no zest for anything at all…

Because of that, I’ve felt unfair to my girlfriend, friends and family. In that way, I do feel like a burden to them, because I feel like being around them has the possibility of causing them to be unhappy. I don’t voice the way I feel, because I don’t want to be a Debbie downer.

Regardless, I recognize these occasional feelings of suicide are irrational. Still, the thought of going to sleep and never waking up is something that comforts me, in a way. I’m not going to commit suicide, or at least I don’t plan to, but often the thought stays in the back of my head.

Selfishness be damned, when you feel like you are worthless and your value to others is at an all-time low, wielding the mindset that you belong, that you matter, that you are needed is difficult.

The worst part about suicide, however, is if you take your life when you have children that depend on you. Bennington has six kids, and I feel for each of them. If you have kids who need you and you commit suicide, I can’t help but think it’s selfish. But again, mental clarity is blurred in moments like these.

I hope we will find out what was troubling Chester Bennington. Maybe we never will. Depression isn’t easy to understand. It’s difficult to write about. We all have our own struggles and personal battles that often remain unbeknown to everybody. In fact, each person you meet in this world will have something going on in their lives that is affecting them in some kind of negative way, but 98% of the time you’ll never know it. We’ll never know it.

The thought of killing myself and leaving my girlfriend behind breaks my heart. I can’t imagine doing it to her. Even though I do often feel like a burden to her given that sometimes my passion for things is lost, I know she thinks the world of me and would be crushed if I did something like that. At the same rate, there are moments where I believe she’d be better off in the long run.

I’m also scared about the future prospect of possibly fathering a child. Even though I had an amazing father and mother, I feel like I won’t be as good as my dad.

I try to embrace and compound these feelings and sublimate them into positive pursuits, but when you have zero desire to do something and the discipline/habit to do it is lacking, life is hard.

Fuck yeah, life is supposed to be hard. But man. It’s just, I don’t fucking know.

Just talk to somebody. Anybody. When you are feeling like you want to end your life. Maybe I’m not the best to recommend that, but I’m here trying to put it into words.

Much love to anybody reading this. You do matter. Maybe you can’t see or understand it, but you do. You do make a difference.

Out of Sight; Out of Mind

I finally mustered up the courage to block all ways to look at my my first love’s Facebook. To clarify, I wasn’t looking out of emotional stimulus to see what she was up to; I was jacking off to her.

What a waste of time and energy.

I’m trying to move away from masturbating. I don’t mean never masturbating again; I mean sitting at my computer after I wake up between 5-7:30 AM and edging. It would be different if I was spending 5-15 minutes jacking off and that’s it, but I’m spending way too much time edging. It’s addictive, because you edge to build up to a harder, more intense cumshot. But hell, I’m just trying to masturbate less in general. The prolactin rise post-ejaculation is substantial. Even if it doesn’t last long, I feel tired, unmotivated, hungry and lazy. When I go a few days without cumming via jacking off, I feel great with a revived pep in my step.

I don’t feel that way after I fuck my girlfriend. I mean, sure, if we fuck during the day, I want to eat or sleep (or both, in that order) afterwards, but if we fuck at night, I don’t wake up feeling meh; I typically wake up harder than ever. Maybe that’s a biological reaction to the pheromones. I’m not scientifically articulate enough to explain it.

Out of sight; out of mind.

Gary Vaynerchuck (Google is your friend) recently talked about how he doesn’t pay any mind to critics, naysayers, negative shitheels, etc. or worrying about what people think because he’s too busy focusing on his goals and on executing. He stays busy.

This reminds me of what Tim Grover wrote in his book, “Relentless”. The first chapter is titled, “Don’t Think” and it’s about how overthinking kills happiness, drive, etc.

I think staying busy is key.

That’s not to say you don’t enjoy life every once in a while, slowing down enough to smell the roses.

But I’m irritated and feel despicable with myself over this habit every damn morning. My girlfriend will be in bed and here I’ll be in the other room doing what I described in the first couple of paragraphs. It’s bullshit. It’s not right, and I feel bad about it.

My Ass Sniffing Fetish

Whenever I see a sexy girl with a nice ass, I get turned on. Any heterosexual man who says otherwise either has low testosterone or is not into booty.

I’m an ass man. I mean, a real ass man. I love the smell, taste and feel of a woman’s ass and everything that encompasses it.

A cartoon depiction. Smelling her asshole through the back of her panties that she’s been wearing all day (or longer). Bliss. Except I’m not into the domination aspect AT ALL.

I’m just being candid here… don’t judge. If you aren’t mature enough to handle this topic, simple exit the site. I’m not into any fecal smells. I just love the natural, feminine, pheromonal musk back there. I could never, ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years be with a woman who isn’t into letting me sniff her back there. When I was with my first love, the entire summer of 2009 — every single night — was comprised of her begging me to sniff her asshole; she’d masturbate as I smelled her and exhaled onto her vagina. She is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with; she was a 5’4″ brunette with a touch of Portuguese heritage and wielded a big, round butt. It would get super musky and she loved it when I delved into smelling and licking her.

It took me forever to get over her after our relationship ended in 2011. I finally made the move to start dating again in 2013 when I met Lexi, who was originally from Mississippi and attending college where I live. She was an extreme nympho who I talked into being in a relationship by simply being aloof (didn’t invest early), witty (her words…) and charming (again, her words). She had a bunch of siblings and was apparently pretty damn spoiled! Her father was a preacher and her mom was a nurse practitioner! Out of all her siblings, she was the youngest and was used to getting everything she wanted.

She was skinny, with decent sized tits but a small butt. I didn’t care, though. The sex was on point. She could ride a cock like no other. A part of me wishes she was here right now just to relive the cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions with her. She knew my obsession with ass and allowed me to indulge. But I’ll never forget the first time we fucked, I had to go into the bathroom and cry afterwards because I obviously still wasn’t over my ex — my first love — at the time and it affected me.

Anyway, Lexi flaked in August 2013; she came back in December 2013 and we had a quick fling before she flaked again. She was a little loopy, but I guess I needed that experience with her to validate to myself that it was OK to finally move on.

My current girlfriend, who I’ve been with since 2014, completely lets me indulge in this desire… fetish… whatever you want to call it. She’s thick… chubby… and jean shorts look amazing on her (thick thighs are a turnon for me). Her butt isn’t as round as my first love’s, but it’s nice. She likes using the word “shithole”, which turns me on tenfold.

I still, whenever I’m out shopping, look at women’s butts and think to myself, “I wonder how dirty her asshole is” or I look at girls with big butts and think, “Fuck, I bet her asshole gets super musky having a booty that big.” I can’t help it. I’m just being honest here. If any of these women asked me, in a total fantasy world, “Would you care to smell my butt through the back of these shorts/jeans/leggings?” I would never decline… ever.

Reddit/Tumblr are time zappers.

I just love women’s asses. I can’t help it. I love the smell and the taste. I love being facesat.

If my girlfriend and I ever break up, I can’t be with a vanilla woman who thinks it’s disgusting. It’s just a major turn on. Nothing else gets me going as much as that.

I really don’t think it’s weird. I just enjoy the natural smell of her musk. It’s intoxicating. It’s the most private part of her body, and enjoying it is the greatest genuine compliment you can give to a woman (to enjoy the smell of the most private, dirtiest part of her body).

How You Begin Your Day is a Great Predictor for the Rest of it

This is simply my belief: how you start your day determines the rest of it. Sure, you can overcome a shitty start to a day, but sometimes it puts you in an uphill battle in regards to a negative mindset that’s difficult to deface.

I’ve noticed this the last few days.

My girlfriend’s family came in on Friday night and left yesterday. Each day, we were up early (fine by me; I’m a morning person these days). Saturday, we went grocery shopping for a weekend featuring epic meals (oh, they were). Sunday, we got up early to start up some barbecue smokin’ on my Weber Smokey Mountain cooker. Yesterday, we spent time together at Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops before they headed home.

It was a fun weekend, and it was sad seeing them go. Anyway… I had some damn good days, and it goes back to what I said.

Oftentimes, I fall into a trap. I get up, and well, as a man I’ll often wake up with rock hard morning wood, aching to get rid of it by…. taking care of business, of course.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the biggest waste of time is going to Tumblr and searching the “my butt”, “my booty”, “my ass” tags or going on Reddit’s many NSFW gonewild-esque subreddits and jacking off. It’s a waste of my time, personally, because two or three hours will pass by quickly, and before I know it I will have been edging for too damn long, and I’ll feel terrible about wasting that portion of the day sitting on my ass and doing nothing.

My typical, best days are when I wake the hell up, ignore taking care of my morning wood (saving up for my girlfriend for later), drink my water from my 64oz Stanley stainless steel growler, consume my caffeine, piss/shit and get on with my daily farmer’s carry workout and more. In the summer, I love going outside with just my shorts on, soaking up the morning sun and relaxing. It’s perfect.

Just getting up and doing something marginally productive is a great start to the day.

My Girlfriend’s Mom is an Armchair Psychologist

I’m defensive.

I’ve only ever had one bad experience with a girlfriend’s mother. That was with my first love’s. Despite having good experiences before and since, that has stayed with me.

My current girlfriend’s mom, who I genuinely love and she’s treated me like a son she’s never had, told her that she thinks she (my girlfriend) is unhappy. This was because the conversation that preceded that one was about my girlfriend saying that there’s nothing to do around here, where we live. And that’s true. We live in a rural town — my hometown — with a lack of career/job options. I only plan on being here for another couple of years, so that I can complete college and go beyond.

Anyway, I get defensive easily. Sometimes I feel like her mom plays armchair psychologist or acts like a pot stirrer…

My boneheaded, “say what you mean; mean what you say” cracker ass expressed those feelings. Not a great idea.

We didn’t get into a full on fight or anything. Not even an argument. But there was a few, “What do you mean?!” questions from her. Understandably…

I just get annoyed…

Why the fuck would her mom think she’s unhappy?

Actually, my girlfriend says and appears to be happier than ever. Even though she doesn’t make much, she enjoys her job and the people she works with. She’s going out to the movies with them on Wednesday evening, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

If anything, my girlfriend was miserable from September through February, when she lost her old job and was unemployed for five, long, painstaking months that were insanely stressful as she couldn’t find a job anywhere despite applying literally e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!

Her family is coming in this weekend to visit. I have some anxiety over it.. fuck.

I do wish her mom was a little more like mine… y’know… never gets involved in the relationship. I mean, her mom doesn’t get involved per se, but she just says these little comments that irks the shit out of me. My mother stays totally out of my relationship with my little lady, and that’s the way I love it; I’m sure my little lady appreciates it, too.

But goddamn.

I know that mothers will always be protective. My mom is.. I’m all she has, really, as an only child. And it’s especially so for my girlfriend’s mom since they are states away from one another.

But I never want to be in that position of my girlfriend’s mom feeling like I’m not good enough for her or something. I also expressed that opinion last night and my girlfriend flipped the fuck out, telling me that her mother doesn’t feel that way, yet she couldn’t answer me when I asked why the fuck her mom would question her happiness.

I put my girlfriend’s needs before mine as much as I possibly can. She might as well change her name to “Roll” because I can’t stop buttering her up. Then again, it’s the same in reverse sometimes as well for me.

I guess I just want to live to the tune of that song from Boston… “Peace of Mind”… I just want to live peacefully. Please.

You Have to Earn The Right To Feel Good About Yourself

I feel a lot of guilt, sadness, regret and anger. Much of it is related to the past. It’s not constant. It comes in waves, but it hits hard.

Once you learn to accept that the past is the past and that it can’t be changed, you set a precedent to move forward with your life.

But, no matter what, I’ve learned from one of my role models — Andy Frisella — that you have to earn the right to feel good about yourself.


Some people might disagree with that and spew insipid platitudes like, “happiness is a choice regardless of your situation!” but the truth is, happiness is a choice… yes… but “regardless of your situation”? No. While I believe in making the best of every situation and using it as an opportunity, if you are poor, struggling to scrape by in life and hardly able to live paycheck to paycheck, you might be able to take solace in that you have your physical health and are still able to live your life, counting your true blessings, but I highly doubt you are happy, or at least as happy as you could be.

I don’t remember if I wrote it here or elsewhere, but I also believe that action cures fear.

In the way you earn the right to feel good about yourself, you do so by taking action and doing something that yields that result.

2010-2013 were blunders in my life. Those were four wasted years where I did not advance in my life. I did have some good moments in 2010 and on a lesser scale in 2011, but I accomplished nothing in regards to building a better and brighter future for myself. I spent much of my time bitching, moaning, groaning and crying (to myself only) about missing my ex, who was a crazy, dirty, lying, cheating, childish human being, and doing nothing about it.

I could have made myself busy. I could have strode to keep myself busy by working out more and reading, but no. I spent a lot of lonely nights jacking off to erotica on Lush Stories, intermittently playing video games, reading inane bullshit on the internet and doing nothing to ‘level up’ in life.

In 2014, I went back to college. It was at a community college, but still, it’s college. It was a huge milestone for me. Right off the bat, I took public speaking despite hardly being around a whole lot of people for a few years. I knew I had to make this choice in order to grow. It’s funny how one of the girls in that class remarked near the end of the semester that I was “so calm and collected” even though I was nervous as fuck. I always went first in class, because my theory always is, in public speaking, people are too busy  worrying about their upcoming speech to truly pay a whole lot of attention to yours, and besides, even if they do key in on you, they’ll forget about you soon enough!

I felt great. I was building confidence.

I continued another school year in 2015-2016. I took a shitty chemistry class, and I hated my lab teacher. I also made a great friend, at least for that time period, named Dillon. If that was the 2009-2013 version of me, I would have quit going to school just like I did when I first tried college in the fall of 2009.

This past year, I completed my final year at the community college. I think I would have finished up in 2015-2016 had I not been forced to take developmental math for a few semesters. I took a year of math this past school year and made an A last fall and a B this past spring semester. I’ve been accepted to a university this fall as a junior. I’m mostly taking online classes, but I will be taking a night class at the same community college for five weeks through the university.

I’ve built confidence and, in many ways, I feel great about myself.

But you can’t just do the right thing a few times and expect it to last… you have to keep the momentum going by continuously doing what you need to do. Don’t feel like working out? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like studying? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like writing that paper? Do it now! Do it, anyway!

Because when you are done, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself than you will if you procrastinate and watch shitty YouTube videos instead.

I heard somebody say, elsewhere, I think on Reddit, that you “should find enjoyment in everything, even if you dislike it”… BULLSHIT. That is nice, in theory, but truthfully, some things just suck! And no matter what, through whatever positive thinking channel your mind goes through, you will never enjoy it, and sometimes it’s best to put your head down and grind through it. Once you start something, sometimes you realize it’s not as bad as you conceive it to be.

If I work out every single day for 90 days, I will feel better about myself than what I would if I kept procrastinating.

By doing so, you earn the right to feel good about yourself.

I struggle almost daily to stay on track.

It’s fucking hard. But that’s OK. Because nothing worth doing or accomplishing in life comes easy!

Sometimes I procrastinate. Not as much as I used to, but I’m still working on it. It happens. No excuses. It’s easy to be suckered into doing things that are not apropos to what you should be doing.

But man, when you get into that flow of doing the thing you need to be doing, accomplishing tasks that need to be done, and you complete them, it feels good. It’s liberating.

You have to earn the right to feel good about yourself. I think that is an undisputed truth. I appreciate Andy Frisella for talking about this on one of his podcasts. If you don’t know who he is, Google him and thank me later.

I’m sure there are antagonists out there who exist that will be antagonists of this mentality, but that’s their thought process and not mine.

I didn’t start feeling better about myself until I started doing shit that made me feel uncomfortable, stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting to achieve a modicum of success.

If I kept sitting in my bedroom, on my computer, jerking off to sluts on Tumblr and not doing anything, no matter how badly I want to feel great about myself, I’d still — deep down — always feel depressed and awful about myself.

Whenever you go out and do something that you feel needs to be done in regards to accomplishing your tasks and goals, you feel good. I believe that’s an undisputed truth as well. But you have to do it day in and day out and build that perpetual momentum to consistently feel good about yourself.

No, not every day will you feel like a million bucks. This is life and we are all human beings, prone to difficult days, but you can’t have sunshine without a little rain.

Keep grinding, keep hustling, do what you need to do. Embrace the suck. Consume some caffeine (or not) and bulldoze ahead. I believe in you. If I can go through hell, you can, too.