My Girlfriend’s Mom is an Armchair Psychologist

I’m defensive.

I’ve only ever had one bad experience with a girlfriend’s mother. That was with my first love’s. Despite having good experiences before and since, that has stayed with me.

My current girlfriend’s mom, who I genuinely love and she’s treated me like a son she’s never had, told her that she thinks she (my girlfriend) is unhappy. This was because the conversation that preceded that one was about my girlfriend saying that there’s nothing to do around here, where we live. And that’s true. We live in a rural town — my hometown — with a lack of career/job options. I only plan on being here for another couple of years, so that I can complete college and go beyond.

Anyway, I get defensive easily. Sometimes I feel like her mom plays armchair psychologist or acts like a pot stirrer…

My boneheaded, “say what you mean; mean what you say” cracker ass expressed those feelings. Not a great idea.

We didn’t get into a full on fight or anything. Not even an argument. But there was a few, “What do you mean?!” questions from her. Understandably…

I just get annoyed…

Why the fuck would her mom think she’s unhappy?

Actually, my girlfriend says and appears to be happier than ever. Even though she doesn’t make much, she enjoys her job and the people she works with. She’s going out to the movies with them on Wednesday evening, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

If anything, my girlfriend was miserable from September through February, when she lost her old job and was unemployed for five, long, painstaking months that were insanely stressful as she couldn’t find a job anywhere despite applying literally e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!

Her family is coming in this weekend to visit. I have some anxiety over it.. fuck.

I do wish her mom was a little more like mine… y’know… never gets involved in the relationship. I mean, her mom doesn’t get involved per se, but she just says these little comments that irks the shit out of me. My mother stays totally out of my relationship with my little lady, and that’s the way I love it; I’m sure my little lady appreciates it, too.

But goddamn.

I know that mothers will always be protective. My mom is.. I’m all she has, really, as an only child. And it’s especially so for my girlfriend’s mom since they are states away from one another.

But I never want to be in that position of my girlfriend’s mom feeling like I’m not good enough for her or something. I also expressed that opinion last night and my girlfriend flipped the fuck out, telling me that her mother doesn’t feel that way, yet she couldn’t answer me when I asked why the fuck her mom would question her happiness.

I put my girlfriend’s needs before mine as much as I possibly can. She might as well change her name to “Roll” because I can’t stop buttering her up. Then again, it’s the same in reverse sometimes as well for me.

I guess I just want to live to the tune of that song from Boston… “Peace of Mind”… I just want to live peacefully. Please.

You Have to Earn The Right To Feel Good About Yourself

I feel a lot of guilt, sadness, regret and anger. Much of it is related to the past. It’s not constant. It comes in waves, but it hits hard.

Once you learn to accept that the past is the past and that it can’t be changed, you set a precedent to move forward with your life.

But, no matter what, I’ve learned from one of my role models — Andy Frisella — that you have to earn the right to feel good about yourself.


Some people might disagree with that and spew insipid platitudes like, “happiness is a choice regardless of your situation!” but the truth is, happiness is a choice… yes… but “regardless of your situation”? No. While I believe in making the best of every situation and using it as an opportunity, if you are poor, struggling to scrape by in life and hardly able to live paycheck to paycheck, you might be able to take solace in that you have your physical health and are still able to live your life, counting your true blessings, but I highly doubt you are happy, or at least as happy as you could be.

I don’t remember if I wrote it here or elsewhere, but I also believe that action cures fear.

In the way you earn the right to feel good about yourself, you do so by taking action and doing something that yields that result.

2010-2013 were blunders in my life. Those were four wasted years where I did not advance in my life. I did have some good moments in 2010 and on a lesser scale in 2011, but I accomplished nothing in regards to building a better and brighter future for myself. I spent much of my time bitching, moaning, groaning and crying (to myself only) about missing my ex, who was a crazy, dirty, lying, cheating, childish human being, and doing nothing about it.

I could have made myself busy. I could have strode to keep myself busy by working out more and reading, but no. I spent a lot of lonely nights jacking off to erotica on Lush Stories, intermittently playing video games, reading inane bullshit on the internet and doing nothing to ‘level up’ in life.

In 2014, I went back to college. It was at a community college, but still, it’s college. It was a huge milestone for me. Right off the bat, I took public speaking despite hardly being around a whole lot of people for a few years. I knew I had to make this choice in order to grow. It’s funny how one of the girls in that class remarked near the end of the semester that I was “so calm and collected” even though I was nervous as fuck. I always went first in class, because my theory always is, in public speaking, people are too busy  worrying about their upcoming speech to truly pay a whole lot of attention to yours, and besides, even if they do key in on you, they’ll forget about you soon enough!

I felt great. I was building confidence.

I continued another school year in 2015-2016. I took a shitty chemistry class, and I hated my lab teacher. I also made a great friend, at least for that time period, named Dillon. If that was the 2009-2013 version of me, I would have quit going to school just like I did when I first tried college in the fall of 2009.

This past year, I completed my final year at the community college. I think I would have finished up in 2015-2016 had I not been forced to take developmental math for a few semesters. I took a year of math this past school year and made an A last fall and a B this past spring semester. I’ve been accepted to a university this fall as a junior. I’m mostly taking online classes, but I will be taking a night class at the same community college for five weeks through the university.

I’ve built confidence and, in many ways, I feel great about myself.

But you can’t just do the right thing a few times and expect it to last… you have to keep the momentum going by continuously doing what you need to do. Don’t feel like working out? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like studying? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like writing that paper? Do it now! Do it, anyway!

Because when you are done, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself than you will if you procrastinate and watch shitty YouTube videos instead.

I heard somebody say, elsewhere, I think on Reddit, that you “should find enjoyment in everything, even if you dislike it”… BULLSHIT. That is nice, in theory, but truthfully, some things just suck! And no matter what, through whatever positive thinking channel your mind goes through, you will never enjoy it, and sometimes it’s best to put your head down and grind through it. Once you start something, sometimes you realize it’s not as bad as you conceive it to be.

If I work out every single day for 90 days, I will feel better about myself than what I would if I kept procrastinating.

By doing so, you earn the right to feel good about yourself.

I struggle almost daily to stay on track.

It’s fucking hard. But that’s OK. Because nothing worth doing or accomplishing in life comes easy!

Sometimes I procrastinate. Not as much as I used to, but I’m still working on it. It happens. No excuses. It’s easy to be suckered into doing things that are not apropos to what you should be doing.

But man, when you get into that flow of doing the thing you need to be doing, accomplishing tasks that need to be done, and you complete them, it feels good. It’s liberating.

You have to earn the right to feel good about yourself. I think that is an undisputed truth. I appreciate Andy Frisella for talking about this on one of his podcasts. If you don’t know who he is, Google him and thank me later.

I’m sure there are antagonists out there who exist that will be antagonists of this mentality, but that’s their thought process and not mine.

I didn’t start feeling better about myself until I started doing shit that made me feel uncomfortable, stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting to achieve a modicum of success.

If I kept sitting in my bedroom, on my computer, jerking off to sluts on Tumblr and not doing anything, no matter how badly I want to feel great about myself, I’d still — deep down — always feel depressed and awful about myself.

Whenever you go out and do something that you feel needs to be done in regards to accomplishing your tasks and goals, you feel good. I believe that’s an undisputed truth as well. But you have to do it day in and day out and build that perpetual momentum to consistently feel good about yourself.

No, not every day will you feel like a million bucks. This is life and we are all human beings, prone to difficult days, but you can’t have sunshine without a little rain.

Keep grinding, keep hustling, do what you need to do. Embrace the suck. Consume some caffeine (or not) and bulldoze ahead. I believe in you. If I can go through hell, you can, too.

Fuck Walmart

I’m not sure there’s anything that yields more anxiety — for me, personally — than going to my local Wal-Mart. It’s a dump. My favorite time to go, if there is such a thing, is either early in the morning (6-8) or late at night (12-1). I used to consider 10pm late at night for a Walmart run, but the last two times my girlfriend and I have gone, it’s been fucking mayhem!

I live in a small, rural town. We have two McDonald’s (trash), two Wendy’s, a Burger King, three Subways, etc. Not just in my town, but overall, in my area. It’s methhead central. I’ll be here for another couple of years before hopefully moving to the midway point between my girlfriend’s family and my own.

For some reason, Walmart brings out the rudest, trashiest people on the planet. I hate going.

Haaaaaaaaaaaate going.

But they do have prices on several products that can’t be beaten elsewhere. My favorite grocery store to go to is my town’s Food Lion. My girlfriend scores us so many deals with her couponing, and going there late in the evening typically nets us some killer meat markdowns occasionally. I bought a rack of beef back ribs at Food Lion last night that were marked down from $12 to $6. I’ll be smoking those soon. I digress.

I guess it’s the cheap prices that bring out the bottom dwellers to Walmart. I don’t know what it is. A ‘pretty good’ Walmart a couple of towns away from me is usually OK. But fuck. I hate it when Walmart is crowded. People won’t move nor say excuse me. They walk out of aisles without looking. As a person who was raised to wield manners and had their ass whipped if they didn’t show ’em, this drives me bonkers. I fucking hate all these goddamn morons out there who lack basic civilized social skills.

Fuck me.

It’s funny. Public speaking is said to be the number one, most feared activity in the world. It doesn’t really bother me. I’m confident in my voice, speaking and all that jazz. However, I do have social anxiety that rears its head every now and again, and that usually comes from being at fucking Walmart.

If I had a ton of disposable income and didn’t care about prices, I’d never go to Wally World! I’d go to Target (which is an hour away) or anywhere else.

I can only imagine how high my blood pressure gets when I go to Wal-Mart.

For now on, I’ll consider 6-8am to be the prime times to go.

Of course, we fucked up last night, going on a Friday night, but my girlfriend needed to get a new pair of khakis for work, and she’s working second shift the next couple of nights.

I’m glad that experience is over with. I try to think more positive about dealing with the folks at Wally World, but there are so many trashy, rude idiots that come out. I even try to ignore them, but holy fuck!

Also, how many employees does this place have? They are coming out like ant nests under a rock!

At least one guy was nice last night. A worker from there. Some old dude. We spoke and both complained about the heat level in the store.

Is the Xbox One X Worth it For People Like Me?

I love video games. I really do. But I haven’t played a single game since January. I let my Xbox Live expire.

At first, it was because I didn’t have time. But now, for the last month, I’ve had the time, but no motivation to play.

My motivation to game comes in spades. I played the shit out of Forza Horizon 3 in November and December. I even dabbled in a little bit of GTA V online (even though its online is hot garbage due to the exhausting load times).

I’m excited about the future, definitely. Red Dead Redemption 2? Come to me, baby. I remember getting Red Dead Revolver when I was 13 in 2004; I played through it three or four times! Red Dead Redemption — a totally different game but in the same vein — came out in 2010 and it is in my top 5 games of all-time. 2010 was a pretty damn good year for gaming; two of my all-time favorite games came out. Not only RDR, but Halo: Reach. Y’know, Reach is the most maligned Halo game ever released, but it’s my all-time favorite having played every single Halo game in the series. You know why? Memories. 2010 was a rough year for me; my relationship with my first love slowly deteriorated. I was depressed. But every weekend, my best friends in real life, our friends online and random strangers would start up party chats and play from dusk to past dawn in SWAT and Team Sniper on Reach. I will always appreciate those memories. That lasted from October through December 2010. Amazing times.

The other day, Microsoft announced the Xbox One X. It is priced at $500. In a nutshell, without any fancy pants talk, it runs better graphics — but apparently only if you have a 4K TV can you tell an absolute difference — and apparently features a faster processor, I assume.

It’s $500. I have no problem with the price, because, well, I’m likely not getting it anytime soon.

My TV is a 32″ Westinghouse LCD TV that I got for my 15th birthday in 2006. It’s been an excellent TV. But it’s not 4K. Hell, it’s old technology even though games look terrific on it. I love it, though. But, with that TV, it doesn’t warrant the Xbox One X. I’m going to avoid keeping up with gaming news for a while to avoid the hype. There’s no need for me to pump that kind of money into a console given my current specs and given that my motivation to play video games is streaky and inconsistent.

Besides, I just spent $420.15 (tax included) on a 22″ Weber Smokey Mountain cooker. ‘Cause I’m a pitmaster… a wannabe pitmaster.

I wonder who else is in my shoes regarding having old tech (TV) and not having a reason to invest in the XBX. Speak now!

A Caffeinated Beginning to the Morning

That first hit of caffeine in the morning is incredible! Just incredible!

Ahh. There’s no better way to start the day.

A few minutes ago, I had no motivation to start anything. Just chugged a (warm, but I don’t care) SPIKE energy drink, and I feel fantastic. 300mg of caffeine, just like that!

Spike Energy. My favorite wake-the-eff-up energy drink.

I usually stick to my caffeine pills (200mg each) since they are cheaper than both coffee and energy drinks, but there’s nothing like imbibing caffeine in a liquid form (since it’s absorbed faster). The pills take a while.

I’m just about to do some schoolwork in a minute. I couldn’t help but express my adoring love for caffeine, though. Energy drinks get a bad rap thanks to idiots/prospective Darwin Award winners abusing them, but if you are a well adjusted caffeine user and exercise common sense when it comes to consuming one that’s preferably sugar free — and not overdoing it — it’s no issue. Of course, the media will enforce scare tactics on you.

I finished that Step Bet a few weeks ago. I’ll do a review on it when I get a chance. Let’s just say the results were a little underwhelming.

You Will Face Criticism No Matter What You Do

In every walk of life, you will find detractors who will criticize anything you do. It doesn’t matter what you do, whether you are a veritable scumbag or honorable citizen, someone will say something ignorant and judgmental.

The truth is, unless they are watching your every move, they will forget about you soon enough.

This is my personal way to combat social anxiety. You might feel like someone is judging every step you make, and maybe they are; some people like to people-watch. But they will forget about it in a few moments. We are all inherently selfish (it’s not a good or bad thing — it just is) as we have too much on our mind to care about what other people — particularly strangers — are doing.

Some food for thought. Something to remember if you feel anxious and/or monitored while in public.

The other day I wrote about living at home despite being 26. An old man (relative to my age), 52, from Australia, made a snide comment: “Move out of your mothers. 26, seriously?” Yes, seriously. Go fuck yourself.

Fear is a Double Edged Sword: Drive or Die

I was with my ex-girlfriend Bekki in the fall of 2009 when I was a student at a local community college. I was 18-years-old, didn’t manage my priorities correctly and ultimately finished the semester with a 1.9 GPA, only completing one of my five classes (while not properly dropping the other four and receiving F’s). The one class I completed was an 8am Tuesday/Thursday English class, the only time of the day I felt like I could relax, because my relationship with Bekki was a colossal shitbag disaster. Yeah, that one class I completed, I only made a C in there when I should have made an A, but my dumb ass didn’t turn in the final term paper and I half-assed the final exam.

After a five year hiatus away from college, I returned to that same local community college in 2014. Now, in 2017, I’ve managed to take that 1.9 GPA and raise it to a 3.3/borderline 3.4. Redemption has been mine, but damn, it was a long, painful journey!

In a nutshell, I’ll tell you what happened in the fall of 2009: I was an in-love 18-year-old dating an immature girl that was still in high school. I prioritized that relationship over my personal goals and mental health. I got myself so wrapped up in making sure she was happy, I lost sight of what was going on in my life. I didn’t consider the consequences of my choices at that community college at the time.

You can read about my experience with Bekki in another post. I linked to it in the first line of this post.

2010-2013 were the biggest wastes of time in my life. Especially 2012 and 2013. I did not accomplish a single thing in those years.

I was handicapped by fear. I knew I had to return to college and make things right. But how? But when? I’d say “now“, every time, but I was so scared. I remember, back in April or May 2013, it was a late night, and I had my TV set to TNT. I was watching the NBA playoffs featuring the Oklahoma City Thunder and Memphis Grizzlies. I loaded up my local community college’s website. I was so nervous… I had to go use the bathroom, so I did, and when I came back I closed the page, closed my laptop and ate six Snickers ice cream bars instead. Complete and total avoidance.

On June 1, 2013 I walked to the top of a pretty big mountain at a park here, alone, and I talked to myself out loud. “I will give my self one year. One year. One year to get my shit together and go back to [my local community college]. It’s now or never.”

I’m not so sure I got my shit together in 2014, but I signed up for classes about two weeks before they began in August 2014, and here I am.

Fear is a bitch. Fear is a friend. Fear is a two-faced motherfucker. I mean what I wrote in the title of this post. It is absolutely a double edged sword that can either drive you to do great things or paralyze you with complete and utter inactivity. I’ve been on both sides.

I knew I had to return to college in 2014. I had to make things right. I wanted to, deep down, but I was so goddamn against wanting to be around new people. Specifically, younger students. Nowadays, I don’t care about that, but back then, I didn’t want to be judged for being an older guy, even though I was only 23 in 2014. It’s funny, thinking back, about how silly that insecurity was.

I used Nike’s “Just do it” slogan to fuel me, I reckon. Also a dash of, “What’s the worst that can happen?” in my mindset. “You fail? Fuck it; everybody fails”. Everybody makes fools of themselves. Everybody is a error-makin’, failure-havin’ human being.

When I signed up for classes, I decided to go ahead and do public speaking. Get it out of the way. I’ve always had a narcissistic enjoyment for my voice. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a sportswriter and a sports broadcaster. In 11th grade, my sports marketing teacher — she was a babe — told me I had a hypnotizing sportscaster voice. That got to my head. I knew that deciding to get public speaking out of the way would push me out of my comfort zone. I was hardly around unfamiliar people in 2010-2013, so putting myself out there and doing public speaking after barely being around anybody was a fucking huge, but fucking awesome, challenge.

The best part about it, and I’ll never forget this because it makes me smirk, is that the two girls I sat next to — Alexis and Whitley — told me that I was just so calm and that envied that about me, when it came to speeches in class. I always volunteered to go first whenever we had our speaking days. Because, my theory was always, if you go first, nobody is really going to pay attention to what you are saying, because they are going to be too worried and anxiety-riddled about their own speeches. I never understood the people who tried to stave off doing it! You have to do it, anyway, so why not get it over with so you can relax!? I’ll never forget — right before Thanksgiving break in 2014, we had a speaking day, and a few people didn’t want to get their speech over with, so our instructor said they’d have to do it after our holiday break was over with. Are you fucking kidding me? You’d rather stew over it during your entire break rather than get it out of the way?!

Most of the students in there were second year students that were just about ready to graduate; they had put that class off until the last minute.

Anyway, the “calm” comments they made about me? Yeah, inside, my heart was pounding, but despite my heart pounding with anxiety, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could do it. I guess that’s why I appeared calm. It was nerve racking, but I knew had the ability to stand in front of a group and talk.

Fear paralyzed me in 2010-2013 when I’d spend all day crying/stewing over Bekki or otherwise wasting my time in other useless endeavors.

Fear drove me to return to my local community college in 2014.

I have a lot to do and a lot to work on. But when you are faced with fear, you have a choice to either do nothing or to take action. If you take action, typically you’ll face your fear and figure out if it’s just a phony — and 99.9% of the time it is. When you doing, you never find out and you only stay in one place, never moving or growing or evolving.

Life without pain is a life without challenge and a life without challenge is a life without growth.