Out of Sight; Out of Mind

I finally mustered up the courage to block all ways to look at my my first love’s Facebook. To clarify, I wasn’t looking out of emotional stimulus to see what she was up to; I was jacking off to her.

What a waste of time and energy.

I’m trying to move away from masturbating. I don’t mean never masturbating again; I mean sitting at my computer after I wake up between 5-7:30 AM and edging. It would be different if I was spending 5-15 minutes jacking off and that’s it, but I’m spending way too much time edging. It’s addictive, because you edge to build up to a harder, more intense cumshot. But hell, I’m just trying to masturbate less in general. The prolactin rise post-ejaculation is substantial. Even if it doesn’t last long, I feel tired, unmotivated, hungry and lazy. When I go a few days without cumming via jacking off, I feel great with a revived pep in my step.

I don’t feel that way after I fuck my girlfriend. I mean, sure, if we fuck during the day, I want to eat or sleep (or both, in that order) afterwards, but if we fuck at night, I don’t wake up feeling meh; I typically wake up harder than ever. Maybe that’s a biological reaction to the pheromones. I’m not scientifically articulate enough to explain it.

Out of sight; out of mind.

Gary Vaynerchuck (Google is your friend) recently talked about how he doesn’t pay any mind to critics, naysayers, negative shitheels, etc. or worrying about what people think because he’s too busy focusing on his goals and on executing. He stays busy.

This reminds me of what Tim Grover wrote in his book, “Relentless”. The first chapter is titled, “Don’t Think” and it’s about how overthinking kills happiness, drive, etc.

I think staying busy is key.

That’s not to say you don’t enjoy life every once in a while, slowing down enough to smell the roses.

But I’m irritated and feel despicable with myself over this habit every damn morning. My girlfriend will be in bed and here I’ll be in the other room doing what I described in the first couple of paragraphs. It’s bullshit. It’s not right, and I feel bad about it.

The State of Being Horny All The Time!

I’m a 26-year-old man and I’m horny all the time. I reckon I can speak for much of the male population in this age group.

I let my ‘consumption’ take up way too much of my time, though, and I’m not talking about porn. Sure, I watch porn every now and again, but it’s not my go-to source for masturbatory relief. The professional stuff is obviously fake in every way possible (yeah, the sex is ‘real’ in that there’s a penis in a vagina, but perfectly shaved private parts, women with bleached buttholes and manufactured moans does nothing for me) and the amatuer stuff? Blurry cameras, shitty camera angles, etc. ruins it for me. I’d rather read erotica, which I hardly do anymore.

What gets me revved up is… two things, and they are time consuming:

1.) The women of Tumblr ~~ Tumblr is, in at least this way, a godsend. Overall, it’s a cesspool of 420lolfeministxoxoxoOMGzfucktheprez garbage, but there are a horde of women who show off what they have. Real fuckin’ women. Turning off the safe search/nsfw lock and searching for “my butt”, “my booty”, “my ass” is a regular ritual of mine. The reason I’m making this post is because I recently encountered one hot babe who posted a picture of her ass, in leggings, post-gym. Her ass was caked in sweat. She just said “Need to shower. Rocking some musky swamp ass”. I jacked off to her three times within an hour and a half. It was so hot to me.

It’s a total time sink, though. It just blows my mind how many beautiful women — again, real women! — will show off their butts on Tumblr. As a complete, unequivocal total ass man who lives the feel, smell (natural, feminine, pheromonal, musky scent), look, etc. of a woman’s rear end, of course I’m going to go crazy over that! What heterosexual, booty loving man wouldn’t? So many women who don’t mind showing off their asses, sometimes even their assholes… it’s cumshot city.

2.) Goddamn Reddit…. gonewild, gonewildcurvy, asstastic, PAWGtastic and other subs ~~ If you’ve ever been horny¬†and on Reddit, you know where to go. Real, verified women posting themselves on those subreddits is a big time sink also. No explanation needed.

So much time wasted doing this.

That — the time wasted — has caused series of depression, guilt and aggravation within myself, because I know there’s a lot of other, better things I could be doing in my spare time. It’s usually in the mornings. I’ll go to bed with my girlfriend at 10 or 11, sleep fine but wake up at 5-6 in the morning out of habit, and then I’ll sit in my computer chair for two or three hours edging and jacking off to women on Tumblr and/or Reddit.

I have a healthy relationship with my little lady, but jacking off on Tumblr/Reddit is something I’ve enjoyed doing. For example, last night, my girlfriend sucked my cock and jacked me off. This morning, I got up and jacked off to a black girl who posted her ass (+ hole) on Reddit.

Some days, I overcome the temptation to look by being busy.

That’s my goal: be busy and overcome the temptation to look.

Not because doing any of this is the worst thing in the world. Actually, on the forefront, it’s fine. It hasn’t affected my sex life with my girlfriend, because we engage in regular couples activity often. However, the problem is, is that the time I’ve spent doing this is egregious. It takes away from my time working out, reading, writing, learning, etc.!

But being preoccupied with something else is my go-to move for not doing this.

Jacking off is fine… if you can finish within 5-20 minutes. Multiple hours of edging is just a waste of goddamn time.

Also, the post-ejaculation prolactin release is exhausting. I end up craving food and sleeping. Not great.

I know there are other people in my situation. There has to be.

I know some moralists out there will think, “Gee, this guy’s a shitty partner to his woman”. I don’t think I am. That’s your opinion, though, if you have it. Your moral compass is yours and yours only. I just get turned on by beautiful women — who I’ll never meet, as they are strangers from around the world — posting their asses on the internet. I will never actually cheat on my girlfriend with another woman.

To those who realize the world ain’t black and white, and there’s more gray than anything else, chime in, especially if you can relate to what I’ve written.

I wrote this anonymously and candidly in order to express my thoughts.