How I Know That I *Want* To Be Successful

I’m 26 and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in this life. If you also wield this mindset, don’t be afraid to chime in.

Here’s the quick overview of my story if you don’t know: I graduated high school in 2009 and started attending community college that fall. My relationship with my first love began to deteriorate and I stopped attending all my classes except my 8am English class (I didn’t properly drop my classes). I never returned for the spring semester in 2010. My first love eventually cheated on me and I ‘wallowed in the mire’ (as Jim Morrison and The Doors would say) for years until I returned to the same community college in 2014 and finally took a 1.9 GPA to a 3.5.

I’m supposed to begin my time at a university next month.

I’m nervous as hell. Almost sick.

More than anything, I’m just waiting to hear back that my student status is all good and that everything is OK.

I’m scared.

It’s hard for me to accept that these feelings and emotions are normal.

I practically lived in a bubble between 2010-early 2014. I didn’t do jack shit. I tried my best to be comfortable. That was never a way to live. I was always depressed. I’m depressed right now, but that’s only because I’m scared, full of fear and I’m worried about my student status.

Still waiting on my immunization forms to ‘go through’. My advisor is taking her sweet ass time getting back to me about it.

Fuck, I’m nervous. Have I mentioned that?

Taking out loans in freaking me the fuck out, too.

One of my classes is going to be a once a week evening class for five weeks. I know it’s going to be long and rigorous. My only problem with that is, I’m a morning person now. I’d rather the class start at 6 or 7 in the morning rather than 6 in the evening. My most productive hours of the day are in the morning. By the evening, I’m exhausted, no matter what. This is going to be difficult.

But fuck, I know I can do it. I have to do it.

Last month, I had a fear that my student loan was not going to cover tuition, books, etc. etc. During that fear, I was sick to my stomach over the thought that I would never be able to do what it is that I want to do. That made me sick. It still makes me sick. The thought of not doing something great, that I want to do, makes me want to go puke.

That’s how I know I want to be successful. How I need to be successful.

Believe in yourself, inner drive, optimism, all that bullshit doesn’t matter without action. Belief + action is what drives the bus. Action without belief just makes you a zombie. Belief without action just makes you a mental masturbation participator.

I’m full of extreme anxiety at this time (no, it’s not the caffeine).

I want to be successful so badly it hurts.

After those years of doing nothing and fantasizing about my first love not screwing me over, I’m on a pretty decent path now. I cannot fail. I must put in the hours of work to accomplish what I deem necessary.

I was a terrible high school student from 2005-2009; never studied. My peers never did. I skirted by. I’ve been on the straight and narrow since 2014, when I went back to college. It’s night and day. I put pressure on myself from the get-go to study, to learn how to study and simply do what’s necessary. Of course, most of my fellow classmates have been folks straight out of high school, and many of them slacked off (not surprising) as I’m sure they had their parents paying their way, but I just wanted to put my head down, work hard and get through all the bullshit.

I don’t know why I’m so worried at the moment. I’ve been accepted as a student. I’ve accepted my loans. Now it’s just a waiting game. Tuition is due in one week and I’m not sure how the fuck to ‘pay’ for it with my loans. Again, still waiting for my advisor to return my emails.

Thanks for reading this big batch of incoherent word vomit, if you read it. I just had to put something down on ‘paper’.

My Girlfriend’s Mom is an Armchair Psychologist

I’m defensive.

I’ve only ever had one bad experience with a girlfriend’s mother. That was with my first love’s. Despite having good experiences before and since, that has stayed with me.

My current girlfriend’s mom, who I genuinely love and she’s treated me like a son she’s never had, told her that she thinks she (my girlfriend) is unhappy. This was because the conversation that preceded that one was about my girlfriend saying that there’s nothing to do around here, where we live. And that’s true. We live in a rural town — my hometown — with a lack of career/job options. I only plan on being here for another couple of years, so that I can complete college and go beyond.

Anyway, I get defensive easily. Sometimes I feel like her mom plays armchair psychologist or acts like a pot stirrer…

My boneheaded, “say what you mean; mean what you say” cracker ass expressed those feelings. Not a great idea.

We didn’t get into a full on fight or anything. Not even an argument. But there was a few, “What do you mean?!” questions from her. Understandably…

I just get annoyed…

Why the fuck would her mom think she’s unhappy?

Actually, my girlfriend says and appears to be happier than ever. Even though she doesn’t make much, she enjoys her job and the people she works with. She’s going out to the movies with them on Wednesday evening, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

If anything, my girlfriend was miserable from September through February, when she lost her old job and was unemployed for five, long, painstaking months that were insanely stressful as she couldn’t find a job anywhere despite applying literally e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!

Her family is coming in this weekend to visit. I have some anxiety over it.. fuck.

I do wish her mom was a little more like mine… y’know… never gets involved in the relationship. I mean, her mom doesn’t get involved per se, but she just says these little comments that irks the shit out of me. My mother stays totally out of my relationship with my little lady, and that’s the way I love it; I’m sure my little lady appreciates it, too.

But goddamn.

I know that mothers will always be protective. My mom is.. I’m all she has, really, as an only child. And it’s especially so for my girlfriend’s mom since they are states away from one another.

But I never want to be in that position of my girlfriend’s mom feeling like I’m not good enough for her or something. I also expressed that opinion last night and my girlfriend flipped the fuck out, telling me that her mother doesn’t feel that way, yet she couldn’t answer me when I asked why the fuck her mom would question her happiness.

I put my girlfriend’s needs before mine as much as I possibly can. She might as well change her name to “Roll” because I can’t stop buttering her up. Then again, it’s the same in reverse sometimes as well for me.

I guess I just want to live to the tune of that song from Boston… “Peace of Mind”… I just want to live peacefully. Please.

You Have to Earn The Right To Feel Good About Yourself

I feel a lot of guilt, sadness, regret and anger. Much of it is related to the past. It’s not constant. It comes in waves, but it hits hard.

Once you learn to accept that the past is the past and that it can’t be changed, you set a precedent to move forward with your life.

But, no matter what, I’ve learned from one of my role models — Andy Frisella — that you have to earn the right to feel good about yourself.


Some people might disagree with that and spew insipid platitudes like, “happiness is a choice regardless of your situation!” but the truth is, happiness is a choice… yes… but “regardless of your situation”? No. While I believe in making the best of every situation and using it as an opportunity, if you are poor, struggling to scrape by in life and hardly able to live paycheck to paycheck, you might be able to take solace in that you have your physical health and are still able to live your life, counting your true blessings, but I highly doubt you are happy, or at least as happy as you could be.

I don’t remember if I wrote it here or elsewhere, but I also believe that action cures fear.

In the way you earn the right to feel good about yourself, you do so by taking action and doing something that yields that result.

2010-2013 were blunders in my life. Those were four wasted years where I did not advance in my life. I did have some good moments in 2010 and on a lesser scale in 2011, but I accomplished nothing in regards to building a better and brighter future for myself. I spent much of my time bitching, moaning, groaning and crying (to myself only) about missing my ex, who was a crazy, dirty, lying, cheating, childish human being, and doing nothing about it.

I could have made myself busy. I could have strode to keep myself busy by working out more and reading, but no. I spent a lot of lonely nights jacking off to erotica on Lush Stories, intermittently playing video games, reading inane bullshit on the internet and doing nothing to ‘level up’ in life.

In 2014, I went back to college. It was at a community college, but still, it’s college. It was a huge milestone for me. Right off the bat, I took public speaking despite hardly being around a whole lot of people for a few years. I knew I had to make this choice in order to grow. It’s funny how one of the girls in that class remarked near the end of the semester that I was “so calm and collected” even though I was nervous as fuck. I always went first in class, because my theory always is, in public speaking, people are too busy  worrying about their upcoming speech to truly pay a whole lot of attention to yours, and besides, even if they do key in on you, they’ll forget about you soon enough!

I felt great. I was building confidence.

I continued another school year in 2015-2016. I took a shitty chemistry class, and I hated my lab teacher. I also made a great friend, at least for that time period, named Dillon. If that was the 2009-2013 version of me, I would have quit going to school just like I did when I first tried college in the fall of 2009.

This past year, I completed my final year at the community college. I think I would have finished up in 2015-2016 had I not been forced to take developmental math for a few semesters. I took a year of math this past school year and made an A last fall and a B this past spring semester. I’ve been accepted to a university this fall as a junior. I’m mostly taking online classes, but I will be taking a night class at the same community college for five weeks through the university.

I’ve built confidence and, in many ways, I feel great about myself.

But you can’t just do the right thing a few times and expect it to last… you have to keep the momentum going by continuously doing what you need to do. Don’t feel like working out? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like studying? Do it, anyway. Don’t feel like writing that paper? Do it now! Do it, anyway!

Because when you are done, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself than you will if you procrastinate and watch shitty YouTube videos instead.

I heard somebody say, elsewhere, I think on Reddit, that you “should find enjoyment in everything, even if you dislike it”… BULLSHIT. That is nice, in theory, but truthfully, some things just suck! And no matter what, through whatever positive thinking channel your mind goes through, you will never enjoy it, and sometimes it’s best to put your head down and grind through it. Once you start something, sometimes you realize it’s not as bad as you conceive it to be.

If I work out every single day for 90 days, I will feel better about myself than what I would if I kept procrastinating.

By doing so, you earn the right to feel good about yourself.

I struggle almost daily to stay on track.

It’s fucking hard. But that’s OK. Because nothing worth doing or accomplishing in life comes easy!

Sometimes I procrastinate. Not as much as I used to, but I’m still working on it. It happens. No excuses. It’s easy to be suckered into doing things that are not apropos to what you should be doing.

But man, when you get into that flow of doing the thing you need to be doing, accomplishing tasks that need to be done, and you complete them, it feels good. It’s liberating.

You have to earn the right to feel good about yourself. I think that is an undisputed truth. I appreciate Andy Frisella for talking about this on one of his podcasts. If you don’t know who he is, Google him and thank me later.

I’m sure there are antagonists out there who exist that will be antagonists of this mentality, but that’s their thought process and not mine.

I didn’t start feeling better about myself until I started doing shit that made me feel uncomfortable, stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting to achieve a modicum of success.

If I kept sitting in my bedroom, on my computer, jerking off to sluts on Tumblr and not doing anything, no matter how badly I want to feel great about myself, I’d still — deep down — always feel depressed and awful about myself.

Whenever you go out and do something that you feel needs to be done in regards to accomplishing your tasks and goals, you feel good. I believe that’s an undisputed truth as well. But you have to do it day in and day out and build that perpetual momentum to consistently feel good about yourself.

No, not every day will you feel like a million bucks. This is life and we are all human beings, prone to difficult days, but you can’t have sunshine without a little rain.

Keep grinding, keep hustling, do what you need to do. Embrace the suck. Consume some caffeine (or not) and bulldoze ahead. I believe in you. If I can go through hell, you can, too.

Fuck Walmart

I’m not sure there’s anything that yields more anxiety — for me, personally — than going to my local Wal-Mart. It’s a dump. My favorite time to go, if there is such a thing, is either early in the morning (6-8) or late at night (12-1). I used to consider 10pm late at night for a Walmart run, but the last two times my girlfriend and I have gone, it’s been fucking mayhem!

I live in a small, rural town. We have two McDonald’s (trash), two Wendy’s, a Burger King, three Subways, etc. Not just in my town, but overall, in my area. It’s methhead central. I’ll be here for another couple of years before hopefully moving to the midway point between my girlfriend’s family and my own.

For some reason, Walmart brings out the rudest, trashiest people on the planet. I hate going.

Haaaaaaaaaaaate going.

But they do have prices on several products that can’t be beaten elsewhere. My favorite grocery store to go to is my town’s Food Lion. My girlfriend scores us so many deals with her couponing, and going there late in the evening typically nets us some killer meat markdowns occasionally. I bought a rack of beef back ribs at Food Lion last night that were marked down from $12 to $6. I’ll be smoking those soon. I digress.

I guess it’s the cheap prices that bring out the bottom dwellers to Walmart. I don’t know what it is. A ‘pretty good’ Walmart a couple of towns away from me is usually OK. But fuck. I hate it when Walmart is crowded. People won’t move nor say excuse me. They walk out of aisles without looking. As a person who was raised to wield manners and had their ass whipped if they didn’t show ’em, this drives me bonkers. I fucking hate all these goddamn morons out there who lack basic civilized social skills.

Fuck me.

It’s funny. Public speaking is said to be the number one, most feared activity in the world. It doesn’t really bother me. I’m confident in my voice, speaking and all that jazz. However, I do have social anxiety that rears its head every now and again, and that usually comes from being at fucking Walmart.

If I had a ton of disposable income and didn’t care about prices, I’d never go to Wally World! I’d go to Target (which is an hour away) or anywhere else.

I can only imagine how high my blood pressure gets when I go to Wal-Mart.

For now on, I’ll consider 6-8am to be the prime times to go.

Of course, we fucked up last night, going on a Friday night, but my girlfriend needed to get a new pair of khakis for work, and she’s working second shift the next couple of nights.

I’m glad that experience is over with. I try to think more positive about dealing with the folks at Wally World, but there are so many trashy, rude idiots that come out. I even try to ignore them, but holy fuck!

Also, how many employees does this place have? They are coming out like ant nests under a rock!

At least one guy was nice last night. A worker from there. Some old dude. We spoke and both complained about the heat level in the store.