Out of Sight; Out of Mind

I finally mustered up the courage to block all ways to look at my my first love’s Facebook. To clarify, I wasn’t looking out of emotional stimulus to see what she was up to; I was jacking off to her.

What a waste of time and energy.

I’m trying to move away from masturbating. I don’t mean never masturbating again; I mean sitting at my computer after I wake up between 5-7:30 AM and edging. It would be different if I was spending 5-15 minutes jacking off and that’s it, but I’m spending way too much time edging. It’s addictive, because you edge to build up to a harder, more intense cumshot. But hell, I’m just trying to masturbate less in general. The prolactin rise post-ejaculation is substantial. Even if it doesn’t last long, I feel tired, unmotivated, hungry and lazy. When I go a few days without cumming via jacking off, I feel great with a revived pep in my step.

I don’t feel that way after I fuck my girlfriend. I mean, sure, if we fuck during the day, I want to eat or sleep (or both, in that order) afterwards, but if we fuck at night, I don’t wake up feeling meh; I typically wake up harder than ever. Maybe that’s a biological reaction to the pheromones. I’m not scientifically articulate enough to explain it.

Out of sight; out of mind.

Gary Vaynerchuck (Google is your friend) recently talked about how he doesn’t pay any mind to critics, naysayers, negative shitheels, etc. or worrying about what people think because he’s too busy focusing on his goals and on executing. He stays busy.

This reminds me of what Tim Grover wrote in his book, “Relentless”. The first chapter is titled, “Don’t Think” and it’s about how overthinking kills happiness, drive, etc.

I think staying busy is key.

That’s not to say you don’t enjoy life every once in a while, slowing down enough to smell the roses.

But I’m irritated and feel despicable with myself over this habit every damn morning. My girlfriend will be in bed and here I’ll be in the other room doing what I described in the first couple of paragraphs. It’s bullshit. It’s not right, and I feel bad about it.

My Ass Sniffing Fetish

Whenever I see a sexy girl with a nice ass, I get turned on. Any heterosexual man who says otherwise either has low testosterone or is not into booty.

I’m an ass man. I mean, a real ass man. I love the smell, taste and feel of a woman’s ass and everything that encompasses it.

A cartoon depiction. Smelling her asshole through the back of her panties that she’s been wearing all day (or longer). Bliss. Except I’m not into the domination aspect AT ALL.

I’m just being candid here… don’t judge. If you aren’t mature enough to handle this topic, simple exit the site. I’m not into any fecal smells. I just love the natural, feminine, pheromonal musk back there. I could never, ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years be with a woman who isn’t into letting me sniff her back there. When I was with my first love, the entire summer of 2009 — every single night — was comprised of her begging me to sniff her asshole; she’d masturbate as I smelled her and exhaled onto her vagina. She is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with; she was a 5’4″ brunette with a touch of Portuguese heritage and wielded a big, round butt. It would get super musky and she loved it when I delved into smelling and licking her.

It took me forever to get over her after our relationship ended in 2011. I finally made the move to start dating again in 2013 when I met Lexi, who was originally from Mississippi and attending college where I live. She was an extreme nympho who I talked into being in a relationship by simply being aloof (didn’t invest early), witty (her words…) and charming (again, her words). She had a bunch of siblings and was apparently pretty damn spoiled! Her father was a preacher and her mom was a nurse practitioner! Out of all her siblings, she was the youngest and was used to getting everything she wanted.

She was skinny, with decent sized tits but a small butt. I didn’t care, though. The sex was on point. She could ride a cock like no other. A part of me wishes she was here right now just to relive the cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions with her. She knew my obsession with ass and allowed me to indulge. But I’ll never forget the first time we fucked, I had to go into the bathroom and cry afterwards because I obviously still wasn’t over my ex — my first love — at the time and it affected me.

Anyway, Lexi flaked in August 2013; she came back in December 2013 and we had a quick fling before she flaked again. She was a little loopy, but I guess I needed that experience with her to validate to myself that it was OK to finally move on.

My current girlfriend, who I’ve been with since 2014, completely lets me indulge in this desire… fetish… whatever you want to call it. She’s thick… chubby… and jean shorts look amazing on her (thick thighs are a turnon for me). Her butt isn’t as round as my first love’s, but it’s nice. She likes using the word “shithole”, which turns me on tenfold.

I still, whenever I’m out shopping, look at women’s butts and think to myself, “I wonder how dirty her asshole is” or I look at girls with big butts and think, “Fuck, I bet her asshole gets super musky having a booty that big.” I can’t help it. I’m just being honest here. If any of these women asked me, in a total fantasy world, “Would you care to smell my butt through the back of these shorts/jeans/leggings?” I would never decline… ever.

Reddit/Tumblr are time zappers.

I just love women’s asses. I can’t help it. I love the smell and the taste. I love being facesat.

If my girlfriend and I ever break up, I can’t be with a vanilla woman who thinks it’s disgusting. It’s just a major turn on. Nothing else gets me going as much as that.

I really don’t think it’s weird. I just enjoy the natural smell of her musk. It’s intoxicating. It’s the most private part of her body, and enjoying it is the greatest genuine compliment you can give to a woman (to enjoy the smell of the most private, dirtiest part of her body).

The State of Being Horny All The Time!

I’m a 26-year-old man and I’m horny all the time. I reckon I can speak for much of the male population in this age group.

I let my ‘consumption’ take up way too much of my time, though, and I’m not talking about porn. Sure, I watch porn every now and again, but it’s not my go-to source for masturbatory relief. The professional stuff is obviously fake in every way possible (yeah, the sex is ‘real’ in that there’s a penis in a vagina, but perfectly shaved private parts, women with bleached buttholes and manufactured moans does nothing for me) and the amatuer stuff? Blurry cameras, shitty camera angles, etc. ruins it for me. I’d rather read erotica, which I hardly do anymore.

What gets me revved up is… two things, and they are time consuming:

1.) The women of Tumblr ~~ Tumblr is, in at least this way, a godsend. Overall, it’s a cesspool of 420lolfeministxoxoxoOMGzfucktheprez garbage, but there are a horde of women who show off what they have. Real fuckin’ women. Turning off the safe search/nsfw lock and searching for “my butt”, “my booty”, “my ass” is a regular ritual of mine. The reason I’m making this post is because I recently encountered one hot babe who posted a picture of her ass, in leggings, post-gym. Her ass was caked in sweat. She just said “Need to shower. Rocking some musky swamp ass”. I jacked off to her three times within an hour and a half. It was so hot to me.

It’s a total time sink, though. It just blows my mind how many beautiful women — again, real women! — will show off their butts on Tumblr. As a complete, unequivocal total ass man who lives the feel, smell (natural, feminine, pheromonal, musky scent), look, etc. of a woman’s rear end, of course I’m going to go crazy over that! What heterosexual, booty loving man wouldn’t? So many women who don’t mind showing off their asses, sometimes even their assholes… it’s cumshot city.

2.) Goddamn Reddit…. gonewild, gonewildcurvy, asstastic, PAWGtastic and other subs ~~ If you’ve ever been horny and on Reddit, you know where to go. Real, verified women posting themselves on those subreddits is a big time sink also. No explanation needed.

So much time wasted doing this.

That — the time wasted — has caused series of depression, guilt and aggravation within myself, because I know there’s a lot of other, better things I could be doing in my spare time. It’s usually in the mornings. I’ll go to bed with my girlfriend at 10 or 11, sleep fine but wake up at 5-6 in the morning out of habit, and then I’ll sit in my computer chair for two or three hours edging and jacking off to women on Tumblr and/or Reddit.

I have a healthy relationship with my little lady, but jacking off on Tumblr/Reddit is something I’ve enjoyed doing. For example, last night, my girlfriend sucked my cock and jacked me off. This morning, I got up and jacked off to a black girl who posted her ass (+ hole) on Reddit.

Some days, I overcome the temptation to look by being busy.

That’s my goal: be busy and overcome the temptation to look.

Not because doing any of this is the worst thing in the world. Actually, on the forefront, it’s fine. It hasn’t affected my sex life with my girlfriend, because we engage in regular couples activity often. However, the problem is, is that the time I’ve spent doing this is egregious. It takes away from my time working out, reading, writing, learning, etc.!

But being preoccupied with something else is my go-to move for not doing this.

Jacking off is fine… if you can finish within 5-20 minutes. Multiple hours of edging is just a waste of goddamn time.

Also, the post-ejaculation prolactin release is exhausting. I end up craving food and sleeping. Not great.

I know there are other people in my situation. There has to be.

I know some moralists out there will think, “Gee, this guy’s a shitty partner to his woman”. I don’t think I am. That’s your opinion, though, if you have it. Your moral compass is yours and yours only. I just get turned on by beautiful women — who I’ll never meet, as they are strangers from around the world — posting their asses on the internet. I will never actually cheat on my girlfriend with another woman.

To those who realize the world ain’t black and white, and there’s more gray than anything else, chime in, especially if you can relate to what I’ve written.

I wrote this anonymously and candidly in order to express my thoughts.

Hindsight is Always 20/20: Don’t Let a Failed Relationship Hinder Your Future

Sunset. Mount Cheaha. Alabama. June 2016.
Sunset. Mount Cheaha. Alabama. June 2016.
Sunset. Mount Cheaha. Alabama. June 2016.
Sunset. Mount Cheaha. Alabama. June 2016.

I wrote in this post that I was in an online relationship once upon a time. I was. She was my first love. Bekki. It all started in June 2008 in the books & authors section of Yahoo! Answers. Around that time, the Twilight book series was on the rise in popularity. I was 16, a couple months away from turning 17 and starting my senior year of high school. I saw a girl making comical contents about the Twilight series, bashing it sardonically. I thought she was charming. We answered each others questions on the site. She had a link to her MySpace on her profile and I added her.

In late July, I sent her a message entitled, “That Twilight Junk”. It started off with yours truly complaining about the popularity and oversaturation (in society) of the Twilight series. She agreed with me. A common interest (or should I say disinterest?) joined us together. Soon, we were talking about our lives, interests, hopes and dreams. She was 14, and a freshman in high school. Again, I was about to be a senior. She was from Florida; I was/am from a different state.

In October 2008, we started talking on the phone, and it began a daily ritual of us talking every single night (and some days) for two years and two months, all the way up until late December 2010.

Her parents attempted to stop her from talking to me. Looking back, I can see why they did that. She was talking to someone she met online, and they were concerned I was some old man, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Regardless — again, looking back — if I were in their position, I would do the same thing.

Despite her parents doing their best to nix our relationship, she found ways to go behind their back and talk to me every single damn night. It was an amazing time. I still contend — not out loud, but this is the way I feel — that 2008 and 2009 have been the best years of my life so far. She and I had the perfect chemistry. We would talk about every and anything you can imagine. She was a music fanatic, and to this day I still believe she knew more about music than any person I’ve met (that’s not in the music industry).

So, you might be wondering, what happened?

Well, we never met in person.

Looking back, it’s easy to tell what happened. She was young, and still mentally and emotionally growing up. Her parents began to separate in 2010. That’s when Bekki changed, too. Her friends made fun of her for being in an online relationship; I think that was the kiss of death to our relationship, because for a teenage girl, for your peers to make fun of you, that’s huge.

On December 28, 2010 we Skyped for a few hours, everything seemed normal, and then I didn’t hear from her again until September 4, 2011.

Just like that, she ended all contact with me. Do you know how it feels to go from contact each and every single day for two years and about five months to no contact at all?

I had a delayed emotional response to what happened. I didn’t grieve at all in January 2011. I was in shock, I think. I watched the TV series, “Rescue Me” on Netflix, was on a ketogenic diet (bullshit diet; I mean if it works for you, great, but it’s not the best thing ever or anything, which I’ll discuss in a different, future post) and watched the Green Bay Packers steamroll their way to the Super Bowl.

But in February, when I was alone at my aunt’s house, after I finished watching a recent episode of Californication, I began bawling my eyes out, thinking about Bekki and how much I missed her. I genuinely spent the entire month of February 2011 crying. I spent that entire year depressed. There were many days I didn’t want to leave the bed. I was in so much pain.

You might ask, “Well, why didn’t you contact her or check on her? What if something happened to her?” I didn’t want to look her Facebook up or Google her, because I feared the inevitable that she’d gotten with somebody else. I knew she’d ended things a couple days after that fateful day in December 2010, because I’d logged into Skype and saw that she’d set a status, and she logged out when I tried to contact her at that point. That day, I just had a pit in my stomach. In April 2011, I checked again, and she’d once again had a different status/post on Skype.

On September 4, 2011 she sent me a Facebook message that I didn’t see until September 7th. She started out by saying, “Hello, you. I owe you a billion dollars for the damage I caused to your mind and heart”. She told me that she started seeing someone in person in late 2010, and it was a breath of fresh air to have actually been treated nice by her parents.

In hindsight, I should have told her, “Alright. Thank you for explaining to me what happened. I appreciate the closure.” and never spoke to her again. Except… we began talking again. This time, we Skyped every single night until 12:29 AM on December 8th, when she did the same thing as the last time, except this time I knew I’d never hear from her again, and I didn’t.

It’s funny how life turns out. 2012 was a horrific year. My last remaining grandparent — my grandmother; my mom’s mom — died, and I was bitter, angry and carried an awful attitude towards everything. 2013 was a bit better, but unproductive. I was still depressed.

However, I’m over Bekki now. I wanted to write this post today, because I know somewhere out there that another person has gone through hell and back when it comes to a relationship like this. I never talked to anybody about it (outside of my current girlfriend, Dana) for all these years. I just bottled it up and let out the sadness and incandescent rage whenever I was alone.

It’s unfortunate, too, that I never talked to anybody about it (outside of the internet and, again, my current girlfriend, which wasn’t until 2014). 2012 was the lowest point in my life. I remember spending an entire day in my bedroom in 2012 when my family from South Carolina came to visit, and I didn’t even come out to see or talk to them. What an asshole, right? But I was depressed. I’d stay up all night and sleep all day.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but looking back, it’s not surprising how things went down. She was a teenage girl going through the motions of finishing high school and gaining wisdom through experiences. She was evolving and changing fast. Peer pressure is real.

I’m over her now, but the pain put a chokehold on my life, and I wasted a few years of it.

If you would’ve asked me about the year 2011 during the years 2012 or 2013, I would have told you it was an awful year, but now that time has passed and I have a broader perspective, I can genuinely say that 2011 was an amazing year. I had some incredible times with my best friends. We made a horde of memories. However, when 2011 was occurring, I wasted a lot of time being depressed over Bekki. Even in 2010, I was so concentrated on making her happy when her parents were separating that I missed out on some awesome experiences.

Now, 2012 and 2013 were still atrocious, wasted years, but 2011 was not as bad as I originally felt it was.

I’m in a better place now. I’ve been with my girlfriend, Dana, for over two years and six months. We, too, met online. Hell, I met Dana on Lush Stories, an erotica website! We encountered one another on there right before my grandmother passed away in 2012, but we didn’t become close until January 2014. I was truly an asshole in 2012. I didn’t know how to process my emotions, and I shut a lot of people out.

It’s funny how things work out… I met Dana on Lush, she was from a different state, we met officially on August 3, 2014 and then in May 2015, I visited her and her family, and now? We live together. Dana moved in with me on June 6, 2016.

If everything that happened with Bekki never occurred, I would have probably never met Dana.

I’m not religious, but count your blessings, folks. I’m not an “everything happens for a reason” type of guy, but those past events led me to today.

Another thing: I originally started college in the fall of 2009 at a community college. I allowed myself to be distracted by my relationship with Bekki and didn’t prioritize my classes. I ended up not going to my classes and I never properly dropped them. I didn’t re-enroll in 2010. After almost five years of inactivity, I returned to the same community college in 2014 and I’ve taken my paltry 1.9 GPA and moved it up to a 3.3/borderline 3.4.

Why does the post title say not to let a failed relationship hinder your future even though I wrote that I wouldn’t be where I am today without the aforementioned past events? Well, I still mean what I titled the post with.

Even though who I am today is derived from the past, I still wasted years of my life. Even though I said I had some awesome times in 2011, there was never any growth in regards to something to expand on in my life. I didn’t accomplish a single, solitary thing in 2012 and 2013. In the first eight months of 2014, I didn’t accomplish jack squat either.

I used to want those years back, so that I could rectify ’em, but I can’t.

That’s why I say to not let a failed relationship hinder your future.

Once the relationship is dead, in your mind the other person should be dead to you, as well. That’s not sound mean or macabre, but when it’s over, it’s over. A breakup is called a breakup because it’s broken. No matter what happens, the world keeps spinning. The roosters keep cockle-doodle-dooing. Life is short and there are so many experiences and lessons to be learned and had.

It took so long for me to get over Bekki because 1.) she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, and 2.) we had incredible chemistry. But I looked her up a couple weeks ago and saw that she now has two children. A daughter that’s a few years old, and now a newborn son from a different man. She might be doing well in her professional career, but it looks like I dodged a bullet, since I know who she turned out to be (I don’t know now, but in 2010 and 2011 she was a molecular structured liar and cheater).

If I would have stayed with Bekki, I would have had a tumultuous relationship with the in-laws. Fortunately, Dana’s family loves me to death and her parents treat me as if I was her son. They are so sweet o me. They actually gave me their old smoker for Christmas, to cook incredible barbecued meats and bacon-wrapped, cheese stuffed jalapenos in.

Go through hell in life. Experience it. But don’t let a past, failed relationship hold you back for as long as I allowed mine to do me.