Fighting Depression and Suicide Ideation

I used to be in the camp of, “Ah, well, you are depressed? Fix your sleep schedule, eat better, exercise and get outdoors when the sun is out!”

No longer am I in that camp of thought.

While those things do help in various walks of life, when it comes to depression… it is a daily fight.

I haven’t been diagnosed nor have I went to go see a therapist, but for the last several months, at least since August or September, I have been different. Felt different.

I didn’t know what it was for the longest time. I didn’t realize I was depressed. I stopped wanting to workout, felt no enthusiasm about seeing my girlfriend, friends or family, and I have zero get-up-and-go. I don’t care about any of my hobbies or passions that I used to enjoy. I can’t sleep very well, so I don’t spend much time in bed, but all I truly want to do is lie and bed and do nothing else at all.

I thought it was seasonal depression or a vitamin deficiency… Nope…

The last couple of weeks, suicide has been on my brain heavily. I just took a trip with my girlfriend out of state to go visit her family. Had a good time, I guess, but as I lied down to go to bed at night while there, I read about suicide via hanging. I woke up the next day and felt a rush of pain thinking about it, but nonetheless the thought of being gone is comforting.

I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, but I feel so much emptiness and I don’t know why. It is not that I feel like I lack a purpose in life. I just feel empty and a wave of pain that is different from any mental/emotional pain I have ever felt before in my life, and I just want it to end.

The biggest thing that is stopping me is my 67-year-old mother. I am all she has. I feel selfish over these thoughts, because I know she wouldn’t have anybody if I were gone, and for her to lose a child in this manner would be more devastating than I can imagine. But the pain and emptiness is so extreme.

I feel that my girlfriend can do better. Deserves better. I fear that I could never give her the life she truly wants, anyhow (big house and a multitude of children). While the pain of losing me would hurt her in the interim, she has her entire life to live.

I would leave a note. Probably a lengthy one, because I’m a long-winded person.

I’m not going quietly. I’m fighting this. In silence, but I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to force myself to enjoy my hobbies/passions like I used to, but it is so hard. Forcing myself to workout has been the biggest obstacle. The weather during the end of this week — Thursday, Friday and Sunday — is supposed to be in the mid to late 70s. I’m hoping that being outside and in the sun will give me a pep in my step, but I don’t know.

I know I should talk to somebody, which is why I’m writing about this here. I can’t just talk about this to anybody close to me, because what the fuck do you say? “Hey, I’m extremely sad” doesn’t mean shit to anybody else other than a temporary feeling. “Hey, I’m thinking about killing myself” freaks everyone out (rightfully so).

I don’t know. I’m merely existing right now. I don’t know how else to put things into words at the moment.

Suicide? Selfish?

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide yesterday by hanging himself.

This death hit home for me, because I was a huge Linkin Park guy in the early to mid 2000s during my preteen and teen years. Hybryd Theory and Meteora were albums I listened to often. My best friend, who resembled Chester (skinny, glasses, buzz cut/nearly bald), and I would play Madden ’05 online with the Linkin Park/Jay-z collaboration “Numb/Encore” on repeat. Those were the days.

I used to think suicide was a selfish act. And, in a way, I still think that way, but not like I used to. If you tell a suicide person they are selfish for feeling suicidal, that only pushes them further to do so. Not a good mix.

The act of committing suicide is an unstable one. To want to do so, you are mentally unstable, because biologically we are programmed to take the path of survival.

I changed my views over the years, because over the past six or so years I secretly (in my real life) have suicidal thoughts on occasion. Nothing in particular triggers them. I’ve just gone through bouts of depression where I can’t pinpoint what I’m feeling. I think it’s possible to be depressed without knowing it. Recently in my life, I’ve felt almost no zest for anything at all…

Because of that, I’ve felt unfair to my girlfriend, friends and family. In that way, I do feel like a burden to them, because I feel like being around them has the possibility of causing them to be unhappy. I don’t voice the way I feel, because I don’t want to be a Debbie downer.

Regardless, I recognize these occasional feelings of suicide are irrational. Still, the thought of going to sleep and never waking up is something that comforts me, in a way. I’m not going to commit suicide, or at least I don’t plan to, but often the thought stays in the back of my head.

Selfishness be damned, when you feel like you are worthless and your value to others is at an all-time low, wielding the mindset that you belong, that you matter, that you are needed is difficult.

The worst part about suicide, however, is if you take your life when you have children that depend on you. Bennington has six kids, and I feel for each of them. If you have kids who need you and you commit suicide, I can’t help but think it’s selfish. But again, mental clarity is blurred in moments like these.

I hope we will find out what was troubling Chester Bennington. Maybe we never will. Depression isn’t easy to understand. It’s difficult to write about. We all have our own struggles and personal battles that often remain unbeknown to everybody. In fact, each person you meet in this world will have something going on in their lives that is affecting them in some kind of negative way, but 98% of the time you’ll never know it. We’ll never know it.

The thought of killing myself and leaving my girlfriend behind breaks my heart. I can’t imagine doing it to her. Even though I do often feel like a burden to her given that sometimes my passion for things is lost, I know she thinks the world of me and would be crushed if I did something like that. At the same rate, there are moments where I believe she’d be better off in the long run.

I’m also scared about the future prospect of possibly fathering a child. Even though I had an amazing father and mother, I feel like I won’t be as good as my dad.

I try to embrace and compound these feelings and sublimate them into positive pursuits, but when you have zero desire to do something and the discipline/habit to do it is lacking, life is hard.

Fuck yeah, life is supposed to be hard. But man. It’s just, I don’t fucking know.

Just talk to somebody. Anybody. When you are feeling like you want to end your life. Maybe I’m not the best to recommend that, but I’m here trying to put it into words.

Much love to anybody reading this. You do matter. Maybe you can’t see or understand it, but you do. You do make a difference.