Fighting Depression and Suicide Ideation

I used to be in the camp of, “Ah, well, you are depressed? Fix your sleep schedule, eat better, exercise and get outdoors when the sun is out!”

No longer am I in that camp of thought.

While those things do help in various walks of life, when it comes to depression… it is a daily fight.

I haven’t been diagnosed nor have I went to go see a therapist, but for the last several months, at least since August or September, I have been different. Felt different.

I didn’t know what it was for the longest time. I didn’t realize I was depressed. I stopped wanting to workout, felt no enthusiasm about seeing my girlfriend, friends or family, and I have zero get-up-and-go. I don’t care about any of my hobbies or passions that I used to enjoy. I can’t sleep very well, so I don’t spend much time in bed, but all I truly want to do is lie and bed and do nothing else at all.

I thought it was seasonal depression or a vitamin deficiency… Nope…

The last couple of weeks, suicide has been on my brain heavily. I just took a trip with my girlfriend out of state to go visit her family. Had a good time, I guess, but as I lied down to go to bed at night while there, I read about suicide via hanging. I woke up the next day and felt a rush of pain thinking about it, but nonetheless the thought of being gone is comforting.

I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, but I feel so much emptiness and I don’t know why. It is not that I feel like I lack a purpose in life. I just feel empty and a wave of pain that is different from any mental/emotional pain I have ever felt before in my life, and I just want it to end.

The biggest thing that is stopping me is my 67-year-old mother. I am all she has. I feel selfish over these thoughts, because I know she wouldn’t have anybody if I were gone, and for her to lose a child in this manner would be more devastating than I can imagine. But the pain and emptiness is so extreme.

I feel that my girlfriend can do better. Deserves better. I fear that I could never give her the life she truly wants, anyhow (big house and a multitude of children). While the pain of losing me would hurt her in the interim, she has her entire life to live.

I would leave a note. Probably a lengthy one, because I’m a long-winded person.

I’m not going quietly. I’m fighting this. In silence, but I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to force myself to enjoy my hobbies/passions like I used to, but it is so hard. Forcing myself to workout has been the biggest obstacle. The weather during the end of this week — Thursday, Friday and Sunday — is supposed to be in the mid to late 70s. I’m hoping that being outside and in the sun will give me a pep in my step, but I don’t know.

I know I should talk to somebody, which is why I’m writing about this here. I can’t just talk about this to anybody close to me, because what the fuck do you say? “Hey, I’m extremely sad” doesn’t mean shit to anybody else other than a temporary feeling. “Hey, I’m thinking about killing myself” freaks everyone out (rightfully so).

I don’t know. I’m merely existing right now. I don’t know how else to put things into words at the moment.

My Ex-Girlfriend is Still Hot, But She Doesn’t Look as Good Now

I guess that’s what kids do to you. My ex-girlfriend — I’m talking about my first love — has had two kids from two different men.

I know, it sounds petty (making this post), but I must anonymously vent somewhere.

My ex-girlfriend is still hot. Given the opportunity, I’d love to bury my nose between her ass cheeks and smell her pheromonal filth again. I have zero desire to date her again (lying, cheating twat), but I’d be remiss if I didn’t still believe she had nice thighs and a perfect, round ass.

I generally consider her to be the hottest girl I have ever dated, but she isn’t looking as good as she used to. She’s aged considerably, and being a natural brunette with Portuguese roots, she doesn’t look that good as a blonde. Still, I’ve jacked off to her a few times lately. She just doesn’t look that great now as much as she did when we were together.

Being Proud of Your Skin Color is Idiotic

I heard a couple of redneck fellers talking amongst each other the other day about how they think it’s bullshit that blacks can state they are proud to be black and that Hispanics can state that they are proud to be Hispanic, but that it’s racist to say they are proud to be white.

Personally, I think it’s moronic to be proud of something you did not choose or work to achieve. While I think the latest media-inspired racism ‘fuel the fire’ shit that is going on in society nowadays is a headache on both sides (racists no matter the side; I’ll leave it at that).

Should I be proud of being 6’2″ and hairy? A rational answer should be, “fuck no”. That’s my DNA makeup and genetics. So why would you be proud of something you did not choose that was practically made-up at one’s birth?

Instead, be proud of your accomplishments. Be proud that you have worked for over a decade on becoming a science whiz or that you’ve spent the last two years growing as a bodybuilder and topped an old PR (personal record). That makes more sense than being proud over an uncontrollable, predetermined trait.

Struggling with Video Game Impulse Control!

I didn’t play a single video game from January until late September (outside of going over to a buddy’s house to play a little bit of NBA 2K17 during a visit in May).

However, I game the most during the fall and winter, when it’s cold outside and I’m in the house more often. Unfortunately, that’s when most video games release.

Call of Duty World War II is releasing this Friday, and I want to buy it so damn badly, but… I shouldn’t. Why not? Because I don’t need it. I have NBA 2K18, Halo 5 and Forza Horizon 3 to keep me company for a while, at least until Red Dead Redemption 2 releases next year, and I just bought the Witcher 3 and all the DLCs for $20.

But, man, I’m a World War II nut, and I haven’t bought a Call of Duty in a few years. I hated the futuristic shit, and I’m stoked that they are bringing the series back to the old days.

I have the money for it, but I feel like the $60 should be spent elsewhere. I’m not sure what to do. Should I buy the game or wait?

I’m truly just waiting for Red Dead Redemption 2 to drop in June. I’m 100% preordering it.

But I loved the old Call of Duty games from the second one to Modern Warfare 3. I never cared much for Black Ops 1 or 2.

With the series going back to World War II, I want to buy it so badly, but… I feel guilty about it. I feel like I shouldn’t. Impulse control is a bitch.

Big Businesses, Change, Lowballed by New Ownership

My girlfriend works at a hotel. A group of Indians purchased it a few weeks ago and the sale was made final today. Everyone who works at the hotel knew it was an ominous sign, as the same group of Indians purchased another hotel directly down the road from this one earlier this year and they docked everyone’s pay.

Of course, my girlfriend is only making thirty cents above minimum wage at this time. However, everyone else there knew they’d be affected. One of my little lady’s favorite colleagues, who worked there for ten years, quit. Today, she handed each and every person there a handwritten, personal letter. Gut wrenching. If that isn’t heartbreaking enough, the general manager — the boss — who was responsible for hiring my girlfriend and giving her a chance in the first place… is leaving. She and the Indians could not come to terms with the pay.

Personally, I think it’s chickenshit to take over a company and immediately dock everybody’s pay. But c’est la vie. That’s the way it is in the world of big businesses. It’s sad. But that doesn’t make it any less bullshit.

There’s other people leaving… two of the desk receptionists. That leaves only three other people who will be at the desk (my girlfriend and two others). I hope everything will work itself out. I don’t know who will take their boss’s place. I was really hoping she’d stay, because my girlfriend liked her so well. She was a great boss. Good to everyone. She doesn’t give anybody an unfair shake. She was constantly looking to please negative reviewers on sites like Trip Advisor and other review sites. But I can understand her wanting to leave if the dipshit new owners want to lowball her.

On one hand, I understand what the new owners want to do… save money and increase profits, but what every business owner needs to know and understand is this: happy employees = a more successful business in the long run.

I just had to post my thoughts somewhere, even if to strangers on the internet that probably won’t even read this. My heart breaks for my girlfriend over this transition. I wouldn’t be so upset for her if her boss was staying, but with her leaving after over 20 years of experience, it’s going to be strange.

This is a small area. My girlfriend moved here to be with me. It took her over five months just to get a job (this one) despite applying anywhere and everywhere. It’s definitely a “it’s who you know” kind of place when it comes to getting a job. My girlfriend just got lucky landing this hotel one. All thanks to the boss who’s now leaving.

I hope things will look up. I hope it’ll all “come out in the wash”.

How You Begin Your Day is a Great Predictor for the Rest of it

This is simply my belief: how you start your day determines the rest of it. Sure, you can overcome a shitty start to a day, but sometimes it puts you in an uphill battle in regards to a negative mindset that’s difficult to deface.

I’ve noticed this the last few days.

My girlfriend’s family came in on Friday night and left yesterday. Each day, we were up early (fine by me; I’m a morning person these days). Saturday, we went grocery shopping for a weekend featuring epic meals (oh, they were). Sunday, we got up early to start up some barbecue smokin’ on my Weber Smokey Mountain cooker. Yesterday, we spent time together at Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops before they headed home.

It was a fun weekend, and it was sad seeing them go. Anyway… I had some damn good days, and it goes back to what I said.

Oftentimes, I fall into a trap. I get up, and well, as a man I’ll often wake up with rock hard morning wood, aching to get rid of it by…. taking care of business, of course.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the biggest waste of time is going to Tumblr and searching the “my butt”, “my booty”, “my ass” tags or going on Reddit’s many NSFW gonewild-esque subreddits and jacking off. It’s a waste of my time, personally, because two or three hours will pass by quickly, and before I know it I will have been edging for too damn long, and I’ll feel terrible about wasting that portion of the day sitting on my ass and doing nothing.

My typical, best days are when I wake the hell up, ignore taking care of my morning wood (saving up for my girlfriend for later), drink my water from my 64oz Stanley stainless steel growler, consume my caffeine, piss/shit and get on with my daily farmer’s carry workout and more. In the summer, I love going outside with just my shorts on, soaking up the morning sun and relaxing. It’s perfect.

Just getting up and doing something marginally productive is a great start to the day.

My Girlfriend’s Mom is an Armchair Psychologist

I’m defensive.

I’ve only ever had one bad experience with a girlfriend’s mother. That was with my first love’s. Despite having good experiences before and since, that has stayed with me.

My current girlfriend’s mom, who I genuinely love and she’s treated me like a son she’s never had, told her that she thinks she (my girlfriend) is unhappy. This was because the conversation that preceded that one was about my girlfriend saying that there’s nothing to do around here, where we live. And that’s true. We live in a rural town — my hometown — with a lack of career/job options. I only plan on being here for another couple of years, so that I can complete college and go beyond.

Anyway, I get defensive easily. Sometimes I feel like her mom plays armchair psychologist or acts like a pot stirrer…

My boneheaded, “say what you mean; mean what you say” cracker ass expressed those feelings. Not a great idea.

We didn’t get into a full on fight or anything. Not even an argument. But there was a few, “What do you mean?!” questions from her. Understandably…

I just get annoyed…

Why the fuck would her mom think she’s unhappy?

Actually, my girlfriend says and appears to be happier than ever. Even though she doesn’t make much, she enjoys her job and the people she works with. She’s going out to the movies with them on Wednesday evening, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

If anything, my girlfriend was miserable from September through February, when she lost her old job and was unemployed for five, long, painstaking months that were insanely stressful as she couldn’t find a job anywhere despite applying literally e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!

Her family is coming in this weekend to visit. I have some anxiety over it.. fuck.

I do wish her mom was a little more like mine… y’know… never gets involved in the relationship. I mean, her mom doesn’t get involved per se, but she just says these little comments that irks the shit out of me. My mother stays totally out of my relationship with my little lady, and that’s the way I love it; I’m sure my little lady appreciates it, too.

But goddamn.

I know that mothers will always be protective. My mom is.. I’m all she has, really, as an only child. And it’s especially so for my girlfriend’s mom since they are states away from one another.

But I never want to be in that position of my girlfriend’s mom feeling like I’m not good enough for her or something. I also expressed that opinion last night and my girlfriend flipped the fuck out, telling me that her mother doesn’t feel that way, yet she couldn’t answer me when I asked why the fuck her mom would question her happiness.

I put my girlfriend’s needs before mine as much as I possibly can. She might as well change her name to “Roll” because I can’t stop buttering her up. Then again, it’s the same in reverse sometimes as well for me.

I guess I just want to live to the tune of that song from Boston… “Peace of Mind”… I just want to live peacefully. Please.